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Date: Sun Oct 22 2000 - 14:00:46 PDT

Enjoy this, everyone!

attached mail follows:


VICE PRESIDENT GORE I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the
chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I
will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH I don't believe we need to get the chickens across
the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The
government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across
the road.

SENATOR LIEBERMAN I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his
or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey
and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own

SECRETARY CHENEY Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could
fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't
need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the
road myself.

RALPH NADER Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil
tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there
is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as
plain and simple as that.


Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
"chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
that has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with
fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of
avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is
equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because
structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its
own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated
that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronically brought such occurrences into being.

Sigmund Freud: As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its
mother. The road symbolizes the barrier presented by the cultural taboo.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the
objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which
caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with
the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapiens pedestrians, is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Charles Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

E.O. Wilson: Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because
it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could
conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the transfer of a
behavioral trait whereby some chickens sought to distance themselves from
rivals, thereby distinguishing them in the eyes of potential mates and
increasing their reproductive potential.

Sir Edmund Hillary: Because the road was there.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: ’Cause it (expletive deleted) wanted to. That's the
(expletive deleted) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: Well,....

W.C. Fields: To get another drink.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: “You tell me.”

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of

Yukio Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous
legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently
watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for
their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as
drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light
filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the
intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful,
courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunk by the road,
and he died.

Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating,
genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's
feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.

Albert Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really
upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just
because the sun got in his eyes.

Lord Nelson: “I see no chicken.”

The Duke of Wellington: The road was crossed on the laying fields of Eton.

General George Custer: “RIGHT NOW! want to talk about chickens?”

John Sununu (again): “I would argue that the chicken never crossedthe road
at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to
distract attention from their failed agriculture policy. Where is the
evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael?”

John Wayne: “’Cause a chicken’s gotta do what a chicken’s gotta do.”

William Shakespeare:
Tell me where lies fancy's egg,
In the breast or in the leg?

Douglas MacArthur: In order to return.

Richard Nixon: This isn't about roads and chickens. I don't think you quite
understand that what you believe I may have meant isn't what you think I said.

The Book of Genesis: God said, "Let there be chicken"; and there was
chicken. Then God said, "Let there be road"; and there was road. And God
commanded, "Let the one be taken to the far side thereof." And it was done.
And God looked upon God's work and saw that it was good.

Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan:

To verify through measurement and research explorational,
Asserted widths and properties of highways transportational.
And thus through brain and intellect did prove itself, this animal,
To be the very model of a modern chicken-general

Buddha: “Therefore, on the road there is no chicken, no road, nor
perception of the road, nor impulse to cross it, nor consciousness of the
road, no feathers, no beak, no clawed feet, no chicken. No road no chicken no
crossing...only the great prajnaparamita of the empty form of chicken and the
empty form of the road, and that emptiness; gone, gone, gone beyond, gone
altogether beyond.”
“But, O Buddha,” said Sariputta, “what is that crossing the road before
us at this moment?”
And the great One replied, “A chicken, Sariputta.”
“But why, O great One, does it cross the road?”
“To get to the other side, Sariputta.”