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Lesson Plans

Free Calendar! Big Penguin! Spicy Women!

[ Thread ][ Subject ][ Author ][ Date ]
Lawrence A. Parker/OCCTI (occti)
Fri, 5 Nov 1999 19:08:19 -0500

You asked for it and the Archie McPhee 2000 calendar has arrived just intime
for the new millennium. It's twelve months of fun, including paper-doll
bendy and the Archie McPhee kid's menu. Most of our customers will have to
buy one of these $2 full color marvels, or get one free with a $35 purchase,
but not you lucky cult members. All you need to do is e-mail your name and
address to archie by November 11th and you'll get one FREE. And
your family laughed at you when you joined a cult, didn't they? Take a peek
at what's in store for you here:

Our new contest is just our way of contributing to the end-of-the-world
hysteria that is gripping the multitudes. It's the perfect way to entertain
yourself as you sit in your bunker on a stack of gold bullion watching your
countdown clock. Hidden around our site are a few necessities of survival,
find them all and then suggest one of your own. The winner gets a survival
kit that might just help them live through the first few days of 2000.

The Monster Women are mysterious, beautiful and, well, monstrous. These salt
and pepper shakers, shaped like the heads of two of our popular Monster
Women, add a little attitude to any meal from the fanciest feast
to the basest buffet. You will submit to their will and season your food
correctly or face their wrath.

Remember as a small child when you would dream of one day having a chair
shaped like a giant catcher's mitt? OK, so maybe it's just us. But, you have
to see this chair to believe it. It is 28" tall, made of durable
plastic and has hand painted detail. It's the perfect gift for a baseball
fan or the star of your company softball team.

This 22 1/2" tall plastic penguin is designed to stand in your front yard
and impress your neighbors. You may want to put one in every room of your
house. In any case, you have to have at least one to live up to your full
tackiness potential. A great gift for anyone who works with Linux.

Nestle a votive candle in the head of this Tiki idol, light it and become
instantly cool. This Tiki candleholder is a totem of total taste amongst the
lounge lizard set. It has a realistic wood-grain texture and would look
perfect next to your evening Mai Tai.

What better place to store what little money the owners of Pokemon licensing
don't already have than in a Pikachu bank? You may not understand the video
game or the cartoon, but surely you understand cold, hard cash. This little
6" ceramic bank is the perfect place for your niece or nephew to store their
pennies until they have enough to buy another pack of Pokemon cards.

This month's project is for you to clone yourself. We think this would be
the best possible way for us to get more customers. If there are two of you,
you're going to need two Nun Punching Puppets, two Martian Popping Things
and two Surprise Bags. Just isolate your DNA and fuse it to a fertilized
egg. Then shake it in a plastic bag with some flour and microwave it for ten
minutes. After you've raised yourself, and that might take awhile, we have
another perfect customer.

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Most cults will not let you leave, but we will.
Send an e-mail to: eyeball with the text UNSUBSCRIBE CULT in the
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