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Re: Stunned

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From: Sharon Henneborn (heneborn_at_TeacherArtExchange)
Date: Sun Nov 19 2000 - 14:23:23 PST


(ejb35) Jane, this was very well written and so accurate.

I just wanted to add one point from years of observation. The abuser
is very skilled at creating isolation. It is an excellent weapon and
very subtle. I started noticing this when I was in high school when
friends would start to date. I saw a pattern emerge with certain of
the boys dating younger girls starting to isolate them and eventually
become abusive. The girls seemed to think the isolation was a sign of
love. By the time the abuse started they were in way over their heads.

It is usually very subtle and clever. My Niece married one and for
some reason they lived with my family for a few months when they were
newly married. I noticed how skilled he was at keeping her isolated
and "to blame" He started to play the same hand with me and my
friends. Telling me that my friends were not really loyal to me and
this one had said that about me and telling my friends that I had said
this negative thing. He was the only person who was loyal to me. He
tried posturing to scare my friends so that they would be afraid to
come visit. We sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that we
were too strong in our friendships for him to create the rift he was
wanting. My niece was not strong enough at that time to see this
clearly. He moved her to another relative where he could work his
controls. She eventually saw the light of day but it took a long time
and a lot of heart break and worry.

I am adding my voice to Jane's about not going to counseling or giving
one more day of trying to work it out! Listen to the clues! Don't
listen to his voice telling you that you don't have what is takes to
cope with life without him! Follow the steps Jane outlined and get
away how ever you can. Counseling support is a good thing for you
yourself because this is a heavy thing to cope with.

My wish for the new year is that we see the end of all abuse!

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>From: ejb35@columbia.edu
>Subject: Re: Stunned
>Date: Sun, Nov 19, 2000, 3:54 PM
Any kind of abuse makes the person who is being abused as crazy and
> chaotic as the abuser! Here is some information that may help you or a
> friend.
he/she may already be trying to limit your access to others
(friends, family).

6. The biggest barrier to getting help is shame. The abuser already
> has created an environment of shame and you feel you are to blame.
> This is flawed thinking.
> If you want more information, email me off line ejb35@columbia.edu