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Subject: FW: Corporate Lingo
This is a good one! Aren't we educators glad we aren't working in the
corporate world now!
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule
on your first day.
MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend
over and grab your ankles.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the
position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do.
And on the applicant side:
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've
used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me
about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better
job, I'm outta here.