Note: To protect the privacy of our members, e-mail addresses have been removed from the archived messages. As a result, some links may be broken.
Telephone Answering Machine Messages
Hi. This is Jon:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money
2) "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
3) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
4) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly
the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable hailstorm of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
5) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't
need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current
phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you."
6) The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
7) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
8) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to
the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
9) "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
10 "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and
stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to
use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the
near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the
sound of the tone. Thank you."