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In a message dated 6/1/00 4:17:30 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
rwilkin writes:

A little more humor to help us through these last days.
Reatha
<< The Dangers of Bread
 
          A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked
          bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe
          the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger,
          apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may
          break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
 
          I was horrified. When are we going to do something about
          bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco
          companies, but when is the government going to go after Big
          Bread?
 
          Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
          should make anyone think twice....
 
             1.More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread
             eaters. 2.Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
             bread-consuming households score below average on
               standardized tests.
             3.In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
             in the home, the average life expectancy was less
               than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably
               high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such
               as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
               nations.
             4.More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
             within 24 hours of eating bread. 5.Bread is made from a
             substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
             little as one pound of dough can
               be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats
               more bread than that in one month!
             6.Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
             low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's
               disease and osteoporosis.
             7.Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
             of bread and given only water to eat begged for
               bread after only two days.
             8.Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user
             to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter
               and even cold cuts.
             9.Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
             body is more than 90 percent water, it follows
               that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
               over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
               soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
            10.Newborn babies can choke on bread.
            11.Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
            Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
               than one minute.
            12.Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
            distinguish between significant scientific fact and
               meaningless statistical babbling.
 
          In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
          following bread restrictions:
 
             1.No sale of bread to minors.
             2.No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
             3.A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all
             the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4.No
             animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
             appeal to children) may be used to
               promote bread usage.
             5.A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread
             manufacturers. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you
               know who cares about this crucial issue. >>

attached mail follows:

------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
From: "Bill Meeker" <CFEC/BMEEKER>
Organization: Carolina Forest Education Center
To: CFEC/PWRIGHT, CFEC/LCANNON, CFEC/BMEEKER, CFEC/CVAUGHA, CFEC/LJOHNSO,
               CFEC/JLEWIS, CFEC/RWATKIN, CFEC/WJOHNSO, CFEC/MPINI, CFEC/KCHAPMA,
               CFEC/DTHRASH, HS Department Head Distribution
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 11:17:55 +0500
Subject: Research shows...
Cc: vallen

While you're watching these young minds apply themselves, I thought
you might enjoy the following "research" my daughter e-mailed me last
week.

Enjoy:

The Dangers of Bread

         A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked
         bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe
         the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger,
         apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may
         break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

         I was horrified. When are we going to do something about
         bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco
         companies, but when is the government going to go after Big
         Bread?

         Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
         should make anyone think twice....

            1.More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread
            eaters. 2.Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
            bread-consuming households score below average on
              standardized tests.
            3.In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
            in the home, the average life expectancy was less
              than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably
              high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such
              as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole
              nations.
            4.More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
            within 24 hours of eating bread. 5.Bread is made from a
            substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
            little as one pound of dough can
              be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats
              more bread than that in one month!
            6.Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
            low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's
              disease and osteoporosis.
            7.Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived
            of bread and given only water to eat begged for
              bread after only two days.
            8.Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user
            to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter
              and even cold cuts.
            9.Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
            body is more than 90 percent water, it follows
              that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
              over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
              soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
           10.Newborn babies can choke on bread.
           11.Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
           Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
              than one minute.
           12.Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
           distinguish between significant scientific fact and
              meaningless statistical babbling.

         In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
         following bread restrictions:

            1.No sale of bread to minors.
            2.No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
            3.A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all
            the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4.No
            animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
            appeal to children) may be used to
              promote bread usage.
            5.A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread
            manufacturers. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you
              know who cares about this crucial issue.
Reatha Wilkins
Fine Arts Dept.
Carolina Forest Education Center
High School
Myrtle Beach, SC

---

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